getting back to good

things are getting back to the way they were when he got out of treatment. it was all part of the relapse and we have figured out what we both need to do differently in order to avoid it again. he apologized for the comments he made (see previous posting) and said they were only said because he was in full relapse. it is extremely common (9/10) for people to relapse in the 30 days after leaving treatment although we were of course hoping he would be the 1 who didnt. as for the money issue, things were able to be worked out with the landlord and so that part is fine. he is now unable to have more than $20 at a time for now since it seems larger sums of money are a problem for him.

so, what are we changing? well, he has classes to attend M-Th 530-730 (thurs 6-8) and so we were having trouble getting dinner cooked and eaten before he would have to leave. apparently this was bothering him quite a bit as he felt less part of the family because of it. so, i am now getting off work at 4pm so that we can eat together as a family before he goes to his classes. we also eat breakfast every morning together before i go to work. he is also opening up more about his feelings and when he needs to talk he does. this is a big issue for him as he often holds things in until there is no more room for anything else. he is also attending meetings at least 5x/wk and is getting a sponsor. he wants me to try to come to his court on thurs at 430 and with the way my schedule is now (getting off at 4) i will be able to do this. we are sharing responsibilities for the house so that neither one of us is doing everything alone and so that we dont always have to do the things we hate. when he is able to start working (in the process of working on that again) we will adjust so that it is more balanced since we will both be working then. i am going to attempt to start going to my own meetings once a week if time permits so that i can better understand what he is going through. lastly, we are not going to talk about having another kid until he reaches phase 2 of the program. we had thought things were going well enough but perhaps that was just too much stress.

all of these things seem pretty small to change in order to avoid disaster. we are working on it and i think we will be stronger in the long run.

Another set-back

After being all excited about finding a job and all, found out that he was told on his day he was supposed to start that he cannot work there. corporate said they cannot allow him to be hired because of his background. so we're back to square 1 with the job and will continue to be in the hole with money.

he also relapsed and used our rent money for it. don't know what we're going to do to pay rent when we have only $100 left for almost 2 wks (just got paid too). i am told that the stress of our relationship was what caused the relapse. i had made a hard effort to not be so pushy since hes been back. i dont know what else i could have done differently. i have to start going to my own meetings because i am not going to be able to go through more of this alone. i hope things can get "fixed" and back to the way they were when he got out because i dont know how much more disappointment i can handle.

Major accomplishment!!

I wanted to be sure and let everyone know that my husband had a job interview today and is on his way to take a drug test (will definately be negative with everything else that's going on, read earlier posts). He has been offered a full-time job at Dick's sporting goods as a cashier for the day shift!! He should be starting work next week, now all we have to do is find out what to do with the baby for a couple weeks until he starts getting paychecks. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will finally be able to crawl out of our money hole!! :)

Rough month finally over

Well, we had a rough month with balancing work and time with the baby but it is finally done! He is home and doing very well. He has learned a whole lot of great things that probably would have taken months had he not gone inpatient. The schedule of when to get off work, cook dinner and spend a bit of time together during the week is a bit challenging right now but we're working on it. We are both very hopeful that this is the end of all that crap. We are both working on our communication with each other and learning how to fight fair, something we unfortunately never learned growing up. We have officially turned to corner on this and although it may be difficult along the way, we are ready and willing to give our best to make sobriety work for the whole family. Will write more later.

Recovery update

sorry i havent had the time to update this as often as i wanted but i felt like it is important to all of those few who read this and know whats going on. i have to say that the inpatient treatment was EXACTLY what he needed. he is 1000x better than he was before going in and i think this is a great start to the rest of our life. he is still wanting to come home but also understands why he is there and that he should get the most out of it so that when he is discharged he can function as a relatively normal adult and parent. that is not to say that this is the end of the road. i'm sure there will be bumps along the way but this has been a very life changing experience for both of us. with me, i realized that i have lost sight of who i was with all of this and that i had some issues that i needed to deal with individually. i can say that i am coming along. i am now more aware of my looks and take the time to do my hair and makeup before going to work or out. i have done quite a bit of cleaning in the house and plan to have the entire basement unpacked before he gets home. not sure if thats going to happen, though, since he could be home as early as the end of this week. also, found a 9-drawer dresser in great condition for $25 at a garage sale this weekend so i have to repaint that to match our bedroom furniture. all of that along with being home for the maintenance people to fix our water problem and back and forth to the inlaws to pick up/drop off the baby will definately make me a busy person. all of the "free time" has been helpful to get things done that havent really been touched since we moved in so once thats done there will be a lot less to do and the place will look like what i wanted finally. back to him...i visit almost every day for an hour and each visit gets better and better. the person i married is back and here to stay. the asshole is out of him and i am EXTREMELY happy about that. we are both happier even though we are apart (and that's not why we are happy) and i think i can see the end to all of this crazy bad luck that we have had for the past 2 solid years. we are trying to make new friends and on my end it has been a little slow. i have been talking more with coworkers but thats as far as it has gotten at this point. i think if i had more time i could be farther with that but first things first. i want the house to be a sanctuary for both of us to let go of all the stress throughout the day instead of the place to harbor it. i am on the way to that and will continue to do so. my whole life i have been pretty pessimistic about things but i am becoming more optimistic now. i am thinking about going back to school for my masters when we can afford it. well, gotta go for now. quote for the day: the way to true happiness is paved with sadness and disappointment because you would never know true happiness without first knowing sorrow. by: me :)

Hard road to recovery

He is still in treatment and will be for almost a complete month. It seems to get harder and harder each day for him because he wants to be home more than anything. It isn't like he wouldn't do the program when he's out. I know though that this is what he needs. If he could just get over the feeling that it's unfair and that he is being mistreated he could have a pretty big breakthrough. When you are dedicated to recovery 24hrs a day its a lot more condusive to actual healing since there are no distractions. The problem is that he creates them. He is shutting down because he is falling into depression again and they will not give him his medication to help it. I don't understand that but feel like this is the way they do things for a reason. They are the professionals and know what works and what doesn't. If witholding psychiatric medication is what they do, then that's what has to be accepted. I am having trouble making him understand that. I am not doing things against his wishes because I don't care. It's because I don't want to stand in his way of recovery. I want him to be better and I realize that I had a part in why the last time he tried to get help didn't work. I will not do that again. I hope he realizes that I am only doing this to help. Right now I'm a little bleak on my outlook and am pretty lazy when it comes to doing things around the house. I thought that I could take this time with Joli at his parents for the few days she is to clean the house and get it to where I think it should be but that is going much slower than I expected. I think its because I work 10hr days and then visit for another hour. By the time I get home I am just too exhausted to even look at the dishes that have been washed and just need to be put away, the 1 load of laundry that I have been putting off that is soon to become 2, the numerous boxes of "junk" in the basement that have never been unpacked due to both laziness and not really having anywhere to put them. I did, though, get Joli's room, the hallway and the stairs vaccumned last night and I put the dishes away this morning before work. I think that tonight I'm going out so another day that I can't get anything done. Oh well, I guess that's just how it will be. Anyways, I have to cheer up or I just won't get through this. It is really making me depressed to be without both of them. I am alone with the cats. It is giving me some time to work on my issues myself but I feel like that's all I have been doing with the little free time I have had.

Inpatient treatment

He is in treatment now. Went in this past Monday and will not be out until the end of next month. I go visit every day and talk to him on the phone numerous times. He is right in the building next to mine (and I work for the same company that he is getting treated by). He told me something on Saturday that really hit me hard. He started opening up and said that when he gained a daughter he felt like he lost a wife. I took that day to think about things and actually finally talked to my mom whom I have been sheltering from all of this because it was easier for me than to deal with the added stress of her advice. I think that was part of why I was so angry with him. Because I felt like he made me lie to her. So, on the car ride home I felt so much lighter so much better about things. Then I got home to a drunk in the midst of a fight with the neighbor. Some pretty bad things happened that night and then he passed out on the couch. I cleaned up part of the mess and went to bed. The next day we were trying to spend time together before he was to go in to treatment and got into another fight. He left to calm down and the idiot neighbor seemed that he still wanted to start something. I confronted him when he was swinging numchucks at my car and it frightened me more than I have ever known before. All day it seemed the neighbor was gathering a mob to jump him right outside our door. I was scared to leave the house. We tried to watch a movie and ignore it and it seemed to die down thankfully. I was still scared to be at the house by myself and that has also passed.

My first visit was Monday at 6pm. It was typical of our reactions and we fought about letting him leave and come home as he didn't think that he needed it. I stood my ground, not letting him talk me into letting him come home because after what happened the weekend before I knew that he needed it and I really need time away from him to get back to where I should be mentally. He called about 1/2 hr after I left to apologize. Tuesday's visit was MUCH better. He was only there for about 2 days and I finally saw HIM. I hadn't seen the true him in so long that I wasn't sure that he existed anymore. That is why I wanted to leave. As I told him, I hated the person he became before. Seeing his true self starting to come back with me made me even more upset that he was there to begin with. Not angry but sad that he couldn't come home. I had made the conscious decision that he needed someone to stay for the long haul if he was to get better. He has had abandonment issues the same as I have and it was time that we both stuck. I love him more today than I have for the past couple of years or so. I think I treated him the way I had because I wasn't with "him" but with his negative side that had pushed him down into himself. That was the person I was angry with. I can see now that person no longer exists. He has been defeated and the true self is here to stay. I forgive him for all that he has done and all that we have had to go through for the past few years. I am optimistic for once that this is the changing point that will get back to where we should be already. I love him more than I can ever say. I feel like we were always supposed to be together but the timing had to be right. That is not saying that my relationships with other people in the meantime were any less. I have loved others in different ways throughout the years. And I know that I can say for certain that I ended up with who I should be with.