public "defender"

so one would think that a public defender is supposed to do just that, defend the person they are assigned to, and not make the job easier for the prosecution. nope. today a very pregnant pd (either 8 or 9mos for sure) was sitting in for the one assigned and didnt feel like reading the case file for each person she was there to defend. that means that she got to do whatever she wanted, without speaking to her client to decide what they wanted. she refused to let us talk to the real attorney that was assigned for another 3 weeks!! what the hell?! we were supposed to go in there to discuss what was already discussed through another part of court. now with this crap, we have to scramble to figure out what to do to get back onto that track. in the meantime, the pregnant pd says if we dont like what she decided to do that we can hire our own lawyer and then hung up on us. obviously i dont have any problem with women, or even pregnant women but i do have a problem with someone who doesnt want to do their job. defend who is assigned to you and if for some reason you are not able to attend their case, talk to the stand-in so they know whats going on. this is just absolute crap!

better outlook, day 2

so i think i much like the way i have felt the past few days. this new outlook on things has really began to start a dramatic change in me. i think i have been gradually getting to the way i am now since high school when i lost ALL my friends during the same week because of my ex- at the time. i am pretty sure thats when i lost the ability to really be myself and make new friends. i am still having trouble with that at this point, over 10 years later. but, i think i am on the way to getting back to who i am. today was food day at work and i actually stayed in the room to eat with my co-workers (the 2nd time i have done this since starting to work there in sept of last year). last month i just ate and listened to everyone else talk. today, i didnt quite get to talking too very much but i did include myself in the conversations. i feel like i am fitting in better. people recognize me and talk with me that would never have done so before. i feel like i am getting a bit of respect from my fellow workers and it really feels good. some people know my name that i dont really remember theirs (whoops!). i guess what i am trying to say is that an outlook in life can get into everything. i am going to pick myself up and become more optimistic so that i can better my situation easier. i think im already on the way there.

to my husband, i am sorry that i have been taking my frustrations with myself and our situation completely on you. i didnt know what else to do and now i understand where i was wrong and what i need to do to fix things on my end. cheers to another good day.

feels better getting it out and my new perspective

so i was able to vent my mountains of frustration without blowing up. and it took a lot of stress off my back. i was so worried that telling someone would change their view of me negatively that i held it so tightly that i was never able to let it go, or even cool off. i listened to a book on cd that i had already heard a couple years ago and it was the beginning of my new outlook on life. if you havent read it, you have to get the book "Between a Rock & a Hard Place" by Aron Ralston. his story will make you think about how you view life. he was the adventurer who got stuck under a boulder in a remote area for 6 days, 5 nights with little food or water in 2003. he had to sever his arm and climb out (among other things while trapped) in order to survive but he lived to tell the story. he still climbs but now has truly found his passion in life. funny as it may sound, some of the emails that have been forwarded in the past week or so have really hit me too. all of that combined with some time to really think has brought me to the conclusion that if we can survive through this, we can last anything. i believe in what i said before God, my friends and family. you cannot pick and choose which parts of people to love. if you truly love someone you will accept any flaws that come up. i knew from the moment we met, just over 14 years ago, that we were to be together. what else could be worse than what we are going through now? i feel like its worth working on. so, we are being more thoughtful of how we talk to each other when we get frustrated and we have begun sharing more responsibilities. it seems we are acting a bit more adult. i think this time will really help. we can do this together.

i am also going to work on getting back to who i am too. for some reason i feel like i have also lost myself in this. i dont feel like i do things that make me happy. i used to be a different person and i am trying to figure out where that is now in me. gotta get going, my daughter is being persistent in wanting dinner.

venting

since my life has caused me to internalize my problems and not get any help to deal with them, i have now resorted to posting my feelings here online so that i can at least get them out. i just cant get anywhere with things the way they are. i am supposed to smile and pretend that the walls arent falling down around me. my life has come to revolve around one person's problems, and they arent mine. its also like all of the other problems are completely up to me. i have to deal with the fact that there are 3 bills that havent been paid the entire time we have lived here. i expect that soon we will be getting a turn off notice on all 3 of them. no, we dont have to live with electric, gas or even a car. this entire time i have been the only one working. when we moved it was well known that we couldnt afford to live on our own with just my salary. i was told that i wasnt the only one working and thats why we moved. my salary alone will only pay for the bills, meaning no food, no gas, no other necessities like soap or diapers. since thats all we had and there wasnt any way we could live without it, we have been paying the few bills that we could afford and buying the necessities. then our first phone bill was 10x our normal rate, taking all of the money that would have gone towards paying my car payment for almost 3 months. now the person with the most possible problems, although they are all self-inflicted, wants to take time out to quit the job just started and take what is the equivalent of a vacation for at least 1 month but actually for an undetermined amount of time. sure, someone will be able to watch the baby for me to go to my current job but how am i going to pay the bills and have enough money for food, gas and diapers? thats a big part of it. so, while someone is out trying to help themself with another one of the major problems that was caused, i will have to get a 2nd job. i know myself. i will end up hating this person when and if they ever come back for putting me through it. all i wanted was a responsible person to help with the bills and family life. the one person who really should be able to at least keep a job. no, i guess i shouldnt think that an adult should have responsibilities. i just dont know what the reason is to stay at this point. i dont know but at least the computer can hear what i have to say, from my point of view.

i know this is a major problem that has to be dealt with but it just isnt fair that people who didnt have anything to do with this have to suffer. its not like i am saying that nothing should be done. i am just trying to be realistic. i dont make enough money to afford to live here on my own. i dont make enough money to even pay the bills by myself. we have already gone months without paying. it wont be able to last much longer. i guess i have to find a 2nd job so that we can survive so that the other doesnt have to do so. thats what is going to happen though. i have no choice. this is the life that i chose without knowing it. so, this weekend i will continue to hold it in and pretend that everything is fine here. that we're both working and that the bills are being paid. we'll see how long i can keep up this charade.