Inpatient treatment

He is in treatment now. Went in this past Monday and will not be out until the end of next month. I go visit every day and talk to him on the phone numerous times. He is right in the building next to mine (and I work for the same company that he is getting treated by). He told me something on Saturday that really hit me hard. He started opening up and said that when he gained a daughter he felt like he lost a wife. I took that day to think about things and actually finally talked to my mom whom I have been sheltering from all of this because it was easier for me than to deal with the added stress of her advice. I think that was part of why I was so angry with him. Because I felt like he made me lie to her. So, on the car ride home I felt so much lighter so much better about things. Then I got home to a drunk in the midst of a fight with the neighbor. Some pretty bad things happened that night and then he passed out on the couch. I cleaned up part of the mess and went to bed. The next day we were trying to spend time together before he was to go in to treatment and got into another fight. He left to calm down and the idiot neighbor seemed that he still wanted to start something. I confronted him when he was swinging numchucks at my car and it frightened me more than I have ever known before. All day it seemed the neighbor was gathering a mob to jump him right outside our door. I was scared to leave the house. We tried to watch a movie and ignore it and it seemed to die down thankfully. I was still scared to be at the house by myself and that has also passed.

My first visit was Monday at 6pm. It was typical of our reactions and we fought about letting him leave and come home as he didn't think that he needed it. I stood my ground, not letting him talk me into letting him come home because after what happened the weekend before I knew that he needed it and I really need time away from him to get back to where I should be mentally. He called about 1/2 hr after I left to apologize. Tuesday's visit was MUCH better. He was only there for about 2 days and I finally saw HIM. I hadn't seen the true him in so long that I wasn't sure that he existed anymore. That is why I wanted to leave. As I told him, I hated the person he became before. Seeing his true self starting to come back with me made me even more upset that he was there to begin with. Not angry but sad that he couldn't come home. I had made the conscious decision that he needed someone to stay for the long haul if he was to get better. He has had abandonment issues the same as I have and it was time that we both stuck. I love him more today than I have for the past couple of years or so. I think I treated him the way I had because I wasn't with "him" but with his negative side that had pushed him down into himself. That was the person I was angry with. I can see now that person no longer exists. He has been defeated and the true self is here to stay. I forgive him for all that he has done and all that we have had to go through for the past few years. I am optimistic for once that this is the changing point that will get back to where we should be already. I love him more than I can ever say. I feel like we were always supposed to be together but the timing had to be right. That is not saying that my relationships with other people in the meantime were any less. I have loved others in different ways throughout the years. And I know that I can say for certain that I ended up with who I should be with.

I know you're reading

So, I haven't been posting anything for almost a month because my computer's monitor doesn't work and I really don't like doing this at work but I feel like I have to since I now know that people are reading this. First, I want to say that I have researched and pryed the truth out and that little girl was not really his. He did not come into her life until she was 2 but he felt like she was his daughter. She even called him daddy for a time. The girl left because their relationship went sour. So, the last post I wrote was not entirely accurate. I thought it was at the time but it had been told to me in a drunken stupor.

Back to other things. I now know that a few people who were involved in what happened in high school have read this and know how I feel. It may not make any sense to them but this wasn't the first or the last time that anyone left me. I have been abandoned by most people I have cared about for a long time and so this particular time took the little self esteem that I had and crushed it like a morter and pestle. My father left when I was about 16 years old officially but had really never been there for me to begin with. He was too busy with his own life and his own problems that there wasn't a place for me. Add to that I am not a boy. All he ever wanted was a son and that is clear to me with the way that his is even now. When I was in 7th grade we were supposed to write journal entries for english class which only the teacher read. I'm not sure what this was supposed to do but I know what it did do. I thought I had a confidant with my teacher and told her the crap that my "friends" at the time were doing to me. One started a huge rumor (can't remember what it was now) and it caused all of those who were my previous friends to stop talking to me and/or start treating me badly. The teacher read an entry and then took the girl who started it aside to tell them not to do that anymore but it just made things even worse. So, when I had started high school and had made friends in youth group I felt like I had overcome that. I felt like I fit in, like I belonged. Just for years later they all left too. I have wondered what was so wrong with me that people just don't want to stick around. I do understand what the ex-boyfriend's motives were. No one wants to be around someone that they cared about who hurt them as much as I did. I apologize for that. I don't think I needed to be punished with that extreme measure, though. Because of what happened in high school I decided that I had to leave the area so that I would have no chance of seeing any of them again for a long time. That is why I went to NIU and didn't stay at JJC for 2 years to save money. While I was there I joined what basically amounted to a youth group for college-aged people. I made some friends there and thought again that I had found a place to fit in. I even became Service VP for a year and had the opportunity to be in charge of all the service projects done by the membership of approx 60. There were some issues within the organization and so me and my friends quit after jr year. They were still around though for the most part. I'm not sure what changed that but then one left and the other was there off and on depending if I had a boyfriend at the time or not. I almost moved to AZ with her but changed my mind at the last second due to being scared of moving so far away from everyone I knew. I visited a few times and things seemed ok but then asked her to be part of my wedding. She agreed and then a couple of months later I got a nasty email stating that she would not be in the wedding, would not come, and did not agree with it at all. That was the end of that. All throughout college I did have my one friend who stuck by me through all of the high school crap and that's because the same thing happened to her. Although, she really didn't come around much or really even call. So I felt alone again. I lost all ability to communicate with people on a personal level. I have an insecurity about people leaving because so many have that I don't want to put out the energy for it to happen again. That is my story of abandonment. I am trying to work these out but it has been a long road and still has a long way to go.

the final straw

i think i have hit the end. today i find out my entire relationship has been all lies. yes, the 2 yr old girl who he previously stated numerous times was NOT his daughter actually is. one day her mother and her just picked up and left, not telling him where they went. he had even attended the birth and took care of her from birth. this takes away the whole thing that we were doing this for the first time together. now its like she is a replacement for her. he had a dream supposedly that the other little girl was killed by her mother and it made him want to commit suicide. the fact that all he does is lie doesnt bother him at all. a dream is what gets to him. i am SO angry that i cant see straight!!!!! and i dont think i can continue a so-called relationship with someone i dont even really know. i think it is time to end it and restart my life elsewhere. i cant do it on my own here and i really dont want to be anywhere near this person he has become, or i guess has been all along but hid it so he wouldnt be alone. i am part of a broken family with a step child and everything that i thought i had not signed up for. although i love my daughter with all my heart i really wish that we would not have had her so that she wouldnt have to go through all of this. not that i wish she wasnt born but i just wish she would have another father. that way she wouldnt have to deal with all of this crap later in life. i dont feel as torn as i did before about wanting to leave because i think that i want it more now than ever. i think that i have to do it for me because we have passed a crossroads that leads down 2 different roads that i really dont want to take. i dont want to be a divorced single mother. but i also dont want to be married to this person. this is not who i married and i believe now that the person i thought he was was either never really in existance or is gone for good. this person who is here now is not anyone that i would ever choose to even talk to. dont know what to do but think that i have to make a major change. i think i have to quit my job and move home with my mom once again. its the only thing i can do at this point i think.

false sense of security

wow. thats about all i can say. i never thought that i was so gullible that i would believe almost anything i have been told. but, obviously i am. there was a job that hired him to work 2nd shift but never really wanted him to do so. from day 1 they tried to get him to work 1st shift even after being told that he was not available. we cannot afford daycare and even have a balance that would have to be paid before she restarted even if we could afford it. so now i have to take all of the brunt of things on my back all by myself. i have to be the one to work, earn enough money to pay bills and feed us, as well as figure out what i am going to do for childcare. all i have to say is wow. i wish i would have known that i was marrying a child. right now i absolutely HATE what he is doing to us. I dont know what to say just that i had better not be going through all of this shit for no reason. if i have to sacrifice this much, he better be fixed immediately when he comes home. that includes being able to get and keep a job to help provide for his family. I just wish he would understand that he is extremely selfish and that he is not thinking of anyone but himself. he really doesnt realize or care that anyone else will have to go through any problems because of this. if he was able to do this outpatient he could at least watch the baby when i work. now i have to scramble to find someone to watch her while also trying to find a 2nd job. the thing that really gets to me is that someone can pretend that things are getting better when he knows they arent. he knew the entire time that he was lying about having a job. my outlook on life has become more bleak once again. what did i do to deserve this?

news on court

i forgot to write that things have worked themselves out with the public defender and the court issue. we are back on the track to do what we were going to and i think it will be a good thing. hopefully it isnt SUPER crazy restrictive. we'll see though.

good weekend, the light at the end

so far, this weekend has been great. we actually got the house clean and had people over here for once. we always have to go elsewhere to do stuff and no one ever makes the trip to visit with us (at least not at the house for more than 20 min) so it was a really fun time. i am hoping that this lasts. we have made it a point to go out and play outside with joli EVERY DAY even if its only for 30 min (its usually at least an hour though, she loves it) and we are also trying to do more things. before we would spend the entire weekend unshowered, in our pjs in the house on the couches watching tv and taking numerous naps until monday came back around and then more work. my mom told me one day that she thought i had become a "hermit" in the past year or so. it really made me upset but i guess she was right. i am pretty sure i have been at a level of depression myself in order to still deal with normal life but just not as happy as i should have been. i am making it a point to become the person that i really am, that i was before, and that i want people to see me as. i asked him to do that so i think i have to do so too. with the change less than a week old, i am already feeling SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better, more like myself. hopefully this lasts a long time. i remember being this happy and that i used to love the outdoors. im not sure what happened or when it changed but i think it was senior year of hs. that time when i lost ALL of my friends overnight because of my boyfriend at the time (he became an ex and then they all left). whether those involved really know it, it really impacted me in a hard way. i havent been able to make friends really since then. i think i lost most of the little confidence that i had. but, i have already forgiven one person (married him) and am in the process of trying to start new with another (used to be my best friend at one time). i just hope that i can begin to trust people again. to let myself be vulnerable so that i can get back to who i really am. i think im on the way now. :)