more drama

so, more drama to deal with again, courtesy the court system and probation. at this point, i am EXTREMELY upset about what is going on and find things to be quite unfair. but, probation isnt meant to be fair. i believe him when he says he did not use, no matter what the test says because he has never been this adamant about it. he has always been honest with treatment even more than with me but he also has never lied when he was outright asked what was the truth. i am so tired of what probation and court decide to do with him since we seem to have the harshest punishments than anyone else that is still in the program. i just wish they would make up their minds and give him actual sanctions with real time frames, like they do with everyone else. thats one of the hardest things, the unknown. the rest is the absence from his daughter and what it does to her. she gets so excited and happy when he is home and this time it was for 2 nights. i just dont understand what they are trying to do. i sincerely hope the retest comes back negative as he says it should as he did not use. then, we will see what they will do. the other thing is that we cannot do anythign about 2 other important matters that will need our attention during the next week as he will be going to court again for them. i just wish that we could get to a place that he can start to do well. that he can start to be complemented at their weekly meeting instead of always being put down or sanctioned. i wish that i didnt need to write this down, especially here but i just need an outlet. i have been driving myself crazy all day. i woke up at 5am unable to fall back to sleep because my mind was racing. what they are doing is going to cause even more problems and start the ball rolling down a steep hill. i pray that things will begin to work in our favor. that life will start to normalize. that he can be home and stay home. and find a job so i dont have to do this all myself. i want this to work so very bad. please pray to whomever you do to help our family. we are in dire need of a small miracle at this point. hopefully the next time i write will have some good news. as i have said before, i dont know how much more i can take. i am determined to stick with him through this, though. i will not abandon him in his time of need. please pray that things get better soon. i may have to get a 2nd job but that would also mean that i would have to find daycare for the evenings too. my life is undescribably difficult. and, to top it all off, my great uncle, my grandpa munchalfen's brother passed away and his funeral was today. they wouldnt even let him come with me to the funeral. i pray that i can be more optimistic but it really is difficult with everything thats going on. wish me luck and pray for our family. thanks. :(

non-profit penny-pinching

so i found out today what my raise will be that will include both my annual (have been here for a year now) as well as an actual promotion. i have to say that i am VERY ANGRY!!! i have been working my butt off with this job, doing things that are not part of my job description, in the hopes that after about a year of that i would be compensated accordingly. not a chance!! now i got my yearly raise and even though i had gotten promoted was not going to get anything monetary to show that. so, they gave me a whopping $500 extra. no, not per month but for the entire year. i was told the raise would be about 10x that amount more per year but nope. on top of that, i am still an hourly employee. some of you may think that's good because overtime is possible but let me tell you... overtime has to be approved in advance or will not be paid and it doesnt usually get approved. along with that, it is now mandatory that all hourly employees take at least a 30 min unpaid break during the day. for those of you who don't know, i pretty much work through any and all breaks so that i can get out of here earlier to be with my family. no i have to start being here for an additional 30 minutes each day unpaid when i really dont want to. this all may seem petty to some but it really bothers me a lot. the little things are those that show you if you are really truly valued by the company you work for. this shows me that although my direct bosses value my work, the organization does not. i wish it was as easy to find a new job as it was 5 years ago but i literally have been applying for the past year because the entire time i have felt that i was not being compensated properly and havent gotten many interviews even. this economy is crazy as it is forcing people to stay in their current positions that at times dont even pay the bills. i have a freaking bachelors degree for christ sake!! i am still even after my "raise and promotion" making more than $15k less than i was before i even had gotten my degree. thanks for letting me vent. i hope i can find a better paying job.

a weight is lifted

he is in residential counseling starting today for the next 2-3wks. thank God!!!!! A lot of the things that i have been worried about have been resolved. Just a couple more to go and then i can not worry at all. Thanks to everyone who has prayed. Please keep praying for our family. We have passed a couple of hurdles, just a couple more to go.

depressed and anxious

things have not been all that great for the past week or so with the news that we received last week and the possibilities it includes. Sorry, don't really want to get into the exact details or really even some of them but need to get the feelings out of me. I know I'm a strong person, I am a great mom but this new stuff is really weighing me down. I am in a deep depression and have been having trouble breathing because of the anxiety for the past few days. I love my husband and do not want to be without him, for any period of time. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. I know he loves me and that he adores our daughter. I also know that he is going to do whatever he can (with my help) to get out of this new problem (at least to the extent that he is facing now). I don't want him to miss out on any more of Joli's life. She misses him a lot when he isn't home. This past week has been difficult for her and for the both of us too. Anyone who reads this, please pray for my family. I don't care if you believe in prayer or not. At least keep us in your thoughts, hoping that things will work out the way they should. No one should be punished as much as they want to for the small thing that was done, especially since he is getting the help he needs and is trying to fix his life. He was given a chance to change and I hope this blip doesnt take that away. Again, sorry for being so cryptic and not including much real detail. If you know what this pertains to then you understand.