I know you're reading

So, I haven't been posting anything for almost a month because my computer's monitor doesn't work and I really don't like doing this at work but I feel like I have to since I now know that people are reading this. First, I want to say that I have researched and pryed the truth out and that little girl was not really his. He did not come into her life until she was 2 but he felt like she was his daughter. She even called him daddy for a time. The girl left because their relationship went sour. So, the last post I wrote was not entirely accurate. I thought it was at the time but it had been told to me in a drunken stupor.

Back to other things. I now know that a few people who were involved in what happened in high school have read this and know how I feel. It may not make any sense to them but this wasn't the first or the last time that anyone left me. I have been abandoned by most people I have cared about for a long time and so this particular time took the little self esteem that I had and crushed it like a morter and pestle. My father left when I was about 16 years old officially but had really never been there for me to begin with. He was too busy with his own life and his own problems that there wasn't a place for me. Add to that I am not a boy. All he ever wanted was a son and that is clear to me with the way that his is even now. When I was in 7th grade we were supposed to write journal entries for english class which only the teacher read. I'm not sure what this was supposed to do but I know what it did do. I thought I had a confidant with my teacher and told her the crap that my "friends" at the time were doing to me. One started a huge rumor (can't remember what it was now) and it caused all of those who were my previous friends to stop talking to me and/or start treating me badly. The teacher read an entry and then took the girl who started it aside to tell them not to do that anymore but it just made things even worse. So, when I had started high school and had made friends in youth group I felt like I had overcome that. I felt like I fit in, like I belonged. Just for years later they all left too. I have wondered what was so wrong with me that people just don't want to stick around. I do understand what the ex-boyfriend's motives were. No one wants to be around someone that they cared about who hurt them as much as I did. I apologize for that. I don't think I needed to be punished with that extreme measure, though. Because of what happened in high school I decided that I had to leave the area so that I would have no chance of seeing any of them again for a long time. That is why I went to NIU and didn't stay at JJC for 2 years to save money. While I was there I joined what basically amounted to a youth group for college-aged people. I made some friends there and thought again that I had found a place to fit in. I even became Service VP for a year and had the opportunity to be in charge of all the service projects done by the membership of approx 60. There were some issues within the organization and so me and my friends quit after jr year. They were still around though for the most part. I'm not sure what changed that but then one left and the other was there off and on depending if I had a boyfriend at the time or not. I almost moved to AZ with her but changed my mind at the last second due to being scared of moving so far away from everyone I knew. I visited a few times and things seemed ok but then asked her to be part of my wedding. She agreed and then a couple of months later I got a nasty email stating that she would not be in the wedding, would not come, and did not agree with it at all. That was the end of that. All throughout college I did have my one friend who stuck by me through all of the high school crap and that's because the same thing happened to her. Although, she really didn't come around much or really even call. So I felt alone again. I lost all ability to communicate with people on a personal level. I have an insecurity about people leaving because so many have that I don't want to put out the energy for it to happen again. That is my story of abandonment. I am trying to work these out but it has been a long road and still has a long way to go.