venting

since my life has caused me to internalize my problems and not get any help to deal with them, i have now resorted to posting my feelings here online so that i can at least get them out. i just cant get anywhere with things the way they are. i am supposed to smile and pretend that the walls arent falling down around me. my life has come to revolve around one person's problems, and they arent mine. its also like all of the other problems are completely up to me. i have to deal with the fact that there are 3 bills that havent been paid the entire time we have lived here. i expect that soon we will be getting a turn off notice on all 3 of them. no, we dont have to live with electric, gas or even a car. this entire time i have been the only one working. when we moved it was well known that we couldnt afford to live on our own with just my salary. i was told that i wasnt the only one working and thats why we moved. my salary alone will only pay for the bills, meaning no food, no gas, no other necessities like soap or diapers. since thats all we had and there wasnt any way we could live without it, we have been paying the few bills that we could afford and buying the necessities. then our first phone bill was 10x our normal rate, taking all of the money that would have gone towards paying my car payment for almost 3 months. now the person with the most possible problems, although they are all self-inflicted, wants to take time out to quit the job just started and take what is the equivalent of a vacation for at least 1 month but actually for an undetermined amount of time. sure, someone will be able to watch the baby for me to go to my current job but how am i going to pay the bills and have enough money for food, gas and diapers? thats a big part of it. so, while someone is out trying to help themself with another one of the major problems that was caused, i will have to get a 2nd job. i know myself. i will end up hating this person when and if they ever come back for putting me through it. all i wanted was a responsible person to help with the bills and family life. the one person who really should be able to at least keep a job. no, i guess i shouldnt think that an adult should have responsibilities. i just dont know what the reason is to stay at this point. i dont know but at least the computer can hear what i have to say, from my point of view.

i know this is a major problem that has to be dealt with but it just isnt fair that people who didnt have anything to do with this have to suffer. its not like i am saying that nothing should be done. i am just trying to be realistic. i dont make enough money to afford to live here on my own. i dont make enough money to even pay the bills by myself. we have already gone months without paying. it wont be able to last much longer. i guess i have to find a 2nd job so that we can survive so that the other doesnt have to do so. thats what is going to happen though. i have no choice. this is the life that i chose without knowing it. so, this weekend i will continue to hold it in and pretend that everything is fine here. that we're both working and that the bills are being paid. we'll see how long i can keep up this charade.