6 months

Well, found out he will be gone for 6mos. I can't describe the pain of it. the injustice of it. we will survive it though. i love him so very much and will stick with him through it. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just a bit farther off than we thought. i think i may stop this blog and start something more healthy. thank you to everyone who prayed. i guess that it wasnt God's will for anything else to happen. it just doesnt make things any easier to deal with.

more drama

so, more drama to deal with again, courtesy the court system and probation. at this point, i am EXTREMELY upset about what is going on and find things to be quite unfair. but, probation isnt meant to be fair. i believe him when he says he did not use, no matter what the test says because he has never been this adamant about it. he has always been honest with treatment even more than with me but he also has never lied when he was outright asked what was the truth. i am so tired of what probation and court decide to do with him since we seem to have the harshest punishments than anyone else that is still in the program. i just wish they would make up their minds and give him actual sanctions with real time frames, like they do with everyone else. thats one of the hardest things, the unknown. the rest is the absence from his daughter and what it does to her. she gets so excited and happy when he is home and this time it was for 2 nights. i just dont understand what they are trying to do. i sincerely hope the retest comes back negative as he says it should as he did not use. then, we will see what they will do. the other thing is that we cannot do anythign about 2 other important matters that will need our attention during the next week as he will be going to court again for them. i just wish that we could get to a place that he can start to do well. that he can start to be complemented at their weekly meeting instead of always being put down or sanctioned. i wish that i didnt need to write this down, especially here but i just need an outlet. i have been driving myself crazy all day. i woke up at 5am unable to fall back to sleep because my mind was racing. what they are doing is going to cause even more problems and start the ball rolling down a steep hill. i pray that things will begin to work in our favor. that life will start to normalize. that he can be home and stay home. and find a job so i dont have to do this all myself. i want this to work so very bad. please pray to whomever you do to help our family. we are in dire need of a small miracle at this point. hopefully the next time i write will have some good news. as i have said before, i dont know how much more i can take. i am determined to stick with him through this, though. i will not abandon him in his time of need. please pray that things get better soon. i may have to get a 2nd job but that would also mean that i would have to find daycare for the evenings too. my life is undescribably difficult. and, to top it all off, my great uncle, my grandpa munchalfen's brother passed away and his funeral was today. they wouldnt even let him come with me to the funeral. i pray that i can be more optimistic but it really is difficult with everything thats going on. wish me luck and pray for our family. thanks. :(

non-profit penny-pinching

so i found out today what my raise will be that will include both my annual (have been here for a year now) as well as an actual promotion. i have to say that i am VERY ANGRY!!! i have been working my butt off with this job, doing things that are not part of my job description, in the hopes that after about a year of that i would be compensated accordingly. not a chance!! now i got my yearly raise and even though i had gotten promoted was not going to get anything monetary to show that. so, they gave me a whopping $500 extra. no, not per month but for the entire year. i was told the raise would be about 10x that amount more per year but nope. on top of that, i am still an hourly employee. some of you may think that's good because overtime is possible but let me tell you... overtime has to be approved in advance or will not be paid and it doesnt usually get approved. along with that, it is now mandatory that all hourly employees take at least a 30 min unpaid break during the day. for those of you who don't know, i pretty much work through any and all breaks so that i can get out of here earlier to be with my family. no i have to start being here for an additional 30 minutes each day unpaid when i really dont want to. this all may seem petty to some but it really bothers me a lot. the little things are those that show you if you are really truly valued by the company you work for. this shows me that although my direct bosses value my work, the organization does not. i wish it was as easy to find a new job as it was 5 years ago but i literally have been applying for the past year because the entire time i have felt that i was not being compensated properly and havent gotten many interviews even. this economy is crazy as it is forcing people to stay in their current positions that at times dont even pay the bills. i have a freaking bachelors degree for christ sake!! i am still even after my "raise and promotion" making more than $15k less than i was before i even had gotten my degree. thanks for letting me vent. i hope i can find a better paying job.

a weight is lifted

he is in residential counseling starting today for the next 2-3wks. thank God!!!!! A lot of the things that i have been worried about have been resolved. Just a couple more to go and then i can not worry at all. Thanks to everyone who has prayed. Please keep praying for our family. We have passed a couple of hurdles, just a couple more to go.

depressed and anxious

things have not been all that great for the past week or so with the news that we received last week and the possibilities it includes. Sorry, don't really want to get into the exact details or really even some of them but need to get the feelings out of me. I know I'm a strong person, I am a great mom but this new stuff is really weighing me down. I am in a deep depression and have been having trouble breathing because of the anxiety for the past few days. I love my husband and do not want to be without him, for any period of time. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. I know he loves me and that he adores our daughter. I also know that he is going to do whatever he can (with my help) to get out of this new problem (at least to the extent that he is facing now). I don't want him to miss out on any more of Joli's life. She misses him a lot when he isn't home. This past week has been difficult for her and for the both of us too. Anyone who reads this, please pray for my family. I don't care if you believe in prayer or not. At least keep us in your thoughts, hoping that things will work out the way they should. No one should be punished as much as they want to for the small thing that was done, especially since he is getting the help he needs and is trying to fix his life. He was given a chance to change and I hope this blip doesnt take that away. Again, sorry for being so cryptic and not including much real detail. If you know what this pertains to then you understand.

getting back to good

things are getting back to the way they were when he got out of treatment. it was all part of the relapse and we have figured out what we both need to do differently in order to avoid it again. he apologized for the comments he made (see previous posting) and said they were only said because he was in full relapse. it is extremely common (9/10) for people to relapse in the 30 days after leaving treatment although we were of course hoping he would be the 1 who didnt. as for the money issue, things were able to be worked out with the landlord and so that part is fine. he is now unable to have more than $20 at a time for now since it seems larger sums of money are a problem for him.

so, what are we changing? well, he has classes to attend M-Th 530-730 (thurs 6-8) and so we were having trouble getting dinner cooked and eaten before he would have to leave. apparently this was bothering him quite a bit as he felt less part of the family because of it. so, i am now getting off work at 4pm so that we can eat together as a family before he goes to his classes. we also eat breakfast every morning together before i go to work. he is also opening up more about his feelings and when he needs to talk he does. this is a big issue for him as he often holds things in until there is no more room for anything else. he is also attending meetings at least 5x/wk and is getting a sponsor. he wants me to try to come to his court on thurs at 430 and with the way my schedule is now (getting off at 4) i will be able to do this. we are sharing responsibilities for the house so that neither one of us is doing everything alone and so that we dont always have to do the things we hate. when he is able to start working (in the process of working on that again) we will adjust so that it is more balanced since we will both be working then. i am going to attempt to start going to my own meetings once a week if time permits so that i can better understand what he is going through. lastly, we are not going to talk about having another kid until he reaches phase 2 of the program. we had thought things were going well enough but perhaps that was just too much stress.

all of these things seem pretty small to change in order to avoid disaster. we are working on it and i think we will be stronger in the long run.

Another set-back

After being all excited about finding a job and all, found out that he was told on his day he was supposed to start that he cannot work there. corporate said they cannot allow him to be hired because of his background. so we're back to square 1 with the job and will continue to be in the hole with money.

he also relapsed and used our rent money for it. don't know what we're going to do to pay rent when we have only $100 left for almost 2 wks (just got paid too). i am told that the stress of our relationship was what caused the relapse. i had made a hard effort to not be so pushy since hes been back. i dont know what else i could have done differently. i have to start going to my own meetings because i am not going to be able to go through more of this alone. i hope things can get "fixed" and back to the way they were when he got out because i dont know how much more disappointment i can handle.